holtz, aeryn mariana

[pixie]

AERYN MARIANA HOLTZ
seventeen, senior, straight, insecure, self-destructive, kerti pahk

p e r s o n a l i t y - - -
Long legs, sad eyes, and painted smiles. That just about sums up everything you’ll see in Aeryn Covington. At first glance, you’ll see an aspiring ballerina with an avid love for all sorts of dancing. There’s a certain gracefulness to the way she moves, and she seems like a good girl. There’s no way there’s anything wrong with her life because no one could be that put-together and still have problems. When the picture zooms in, you see all the finer details of her life that make her significantly less golden. She’s a hot mess who will smile prettily and tell you everything’s okay, but it’s more than likely that she’s lying. She has a hundred and one reasons to be depressed, but unless you’re a very close friend of hers, she won’t share a single one with you. She’ll laugh obnoxiously, take a drink or two, and flirt a little. But when offered cigarettes or drugs, she’ll usually politely decline because she’s a dancer. She can’t dance if some of her organs are threatening to give out on her. And when you zoom in a little more, you find out everything that people miss unless they have a keen eye for obscurities. You’ll discover that she hates herself a majority of the time and with good reason too. Her poor traits far outnumber her good ones, and when she says so, she means that she’s an indecisive walking contradiction with an inability to face her problems and a tendency to whore around too much. The only thing she knows for sure is that she wants to become a dancer at all costs; it was her childhood dream to be able to dance in front of millions, and she’s carried this desire on towards adulthood, never once straying from that path.

indecisive;; There’s a black area, a white area, and the much less likeable grey area. That’s not saying everyone will fall perfectly into that black or white area, considering most opt for compromise on certain topics and settle comfortably in grey. However, they at least have some solid opinions, unlike Aeryn. She finds that with nearly every single topic, she lacks the ability to choose either one thing or the other. In regards to her mother, she could never decide whether or not she loved her mother because the woman was harsh and cruel, but she gave up so much to try to raise her kids properly. In regards to her brother, she can’t tell if she hates him or not because he rarely has to face any responsibilities and can guiltlessly flee from what are technically obligations. In regards to the boy whom she refers to as he-who-shalt-not-be-named, she both loves and hates him. End of story. There’s so much that pulls her at opposite spectrums, so her solution? Just never assert her position on anything.

contradictory;; If there’s something you hate or hate doing, you avoid it. Aeryn? She does most of the things she hates, and she’s perfectly conscious of her decisions to do so. It makes it seem nonsensical for her to deliberately become everything she hates, but her mentality is that she needs to be terrible so others will hate her too. Human nature generally pushes people to wish for company and friends, but she finds that building close relationships results in the other party developing expectations for her, and she simply can’t bear that weight. Her past experience with expectations involved sacrifice and misery, and she would be stuck in lose-lose situations. She tells herself it’s selfish, but she wants to protect herself, so once she begins to feel she’s growing too close to someone, she’ll curl up (metaphorically, of course) and proceed to letting others down through broken promises and lack of reliability. If people don’t have any more expectations for her, then she can just do whatever she wants without the pressure, right?

promiscuous;; It’s the twenty-first century, and abstinence is overrated. That’s what she says anyway. But she takes being promiscuous to pretty bad levels. Her favourite type of guy to sleep with is the sort who’s dedicated in a perfect relationship. All it takes is a tiny bit of observing, and then she’ll try her best to mold herself into the type of girl he seems to dream about. Then she persistently pushes and flirts until she gets what she wants. Sometimes she’ll hang around for an extended amount of time, but the end result is always the same: she’ll up and go because the fling never meant much to her. It seems so bad to target taken men when there are plenty of single ones around, but there are reasons why she resorts to being a boyfriend-thief. First of all, there’s a sort of satisfaction in knowing that she can be better than other girls; that guys would choose her over the ones whom they supposedly love even though she’s so flawed. He second reason isn’t quite one she wants to admit, but sometimes there’s this sneaking suspicion in her mind that maybe, just maybe, she wants to steal a girl’s boyfriend because her own love life is a wreck, and she wants someone else to feel the way she does because misery loves company. But if you disregard all of that, sleeping around isn’t very good anyway.

self-destructive;; If anyone asks her, Aer would laugh and call them silly because who else except the extremely depressed would want to destroy themselves? And again, she’d be lying, because she’s self-destructive as well, even if she claims otherwise. She assigns blame to herself every opportunity she is assigned to do so, and she’ll make decisions that leave her feeling worse than she originally did after a momentary high on acceptable happiness. She may smile and act ditzy or happy, but most of her decisions take her a step closer to over the edge. Dancing until her legs give out, drinking until her memory fails, and sleeping around because she can are all things she does because all of it will eventually pile up one of top of another, and maybe it’ll drain her until she simply withers away from existence. It’s somewhat of a painful method of torturing one’s soul, but that’s the aim when a person thinks of herself as the scum of the earth, isn’t it?

loyal;; Perhaps her one and only redeeming trait, it’s hard to deny that Aeryn is a very loyal person. Once you establish yourself as someone meaningful in her life, of course. She does her utmost to push people away once it feels like they’re beginning to invade her comfort zone, but at the same time, there’s those sorts of people out there who just push and push because they want to mean something, and they want to offer some sort of comfort to people who feel damned. There’s only so much resistance that a young woman like her can offer before she just gives in and adds some more risk of being hurt to her life. After establishing oneself as important to her, one might begin to question how good of an idea it was to get so close to someone like her, but she’s a surprisingly decent person when people get to know her a little better. Once her walls are broken down, it’s easy to realize that a lot of her past experiences shaped her into the way she is. She’ll try her best to keep secrets and accomplish minor responsibilities that one has as a friend, though it’s still not too wise of an idea to expect something spectacular from her because then she may crack under the pressure. In relationships, she’ll unexpectedly give up her promiscuous tendencies in the blink of an eye, because there’s something about the idea of maybe finally meeting a guy who can complete her that makes her want to play things on the safe side. On the con side, loyalty tends to take its toll on her. It makes it hard for her to let go when a relationship falls apart, and then the memories of what-used-to-be haunt her like spectral figures. It’s one of the reasons why she isn’t too comfortable with becoming friends with too many people, but at the same time, it’s impossible to live in complete solitude with no one to confide in.

h i s t o r y - - -
It was a story that began before she was even born. Stones were paved to lead her onto a path of life full of hurdles, and she would have to learn to jump and fall. It began with a golden girl and a ragtag boy. The girl was from a well-off family, and all her life, she had been groomed to keep up appearances and work to open up as many doors as possible. It was the smart thing to do in life, but she wanted something more. She wanted something fun and exhilarating, something that would knock the wind out of her and keep her coming back for more. It came in the form of a guy with poor parents who was visiting his relatives in a little town not too far from where she lived. It was like love at first sight, and although they were both wary of leaving their respective social circles for one another, they did, and they consequently fell in love. It was a classic love story completed with her disapproving parents and eloping to Spain. The harsher reality not found in fairytales was that she was disowned and her parents refused to acknowledge any attempts of communication she would make. But still, they would survive on love; even though a lot of doors had closed on her, she still had useful life skills to get her through life. The fairytale seemed like a reality while she and Leonard worked at decent jobs that provided enough money to support the family. Soon Javier was born, as was Aeryn during a vacation in Iceland. All seemed fine and dandy as they lived happily in a small but comfy home in Barcelona, Spain, and although their financial situation was dire sometimes, they managed.

At age five, Aeryn begged for dance lessons, which her parents consented to. She fell in love with dancing when she passed by the window of a small studio and gazed in to see slim women moving like swans, and she immediately knew that she wanted to be just like them. When she began to truly dance herself, it was all better than she ever could have imagined. First step, the studio. Next, she’d take the world in the palm of her hand and make it big on a stage where people would cheer her name. That was the only dream she had.

At the tender age of seven, she’d gone home early only to find that her father was having an affair. She wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but he told her to keep the secret between them and especially make sure that mommy dearest wouldn’t find out, so she did as she was told, unaware of serious it really was. The affair continued for several years before Evelyn found out, and when she did, she was infuriated. The news that her daughter knew was even worse and though it probably wasn’t intentional, she slapped the young girl, and their relationship only went downhill from there. If you ask her, she’ll look back on this one memory and bitterly mutter that she never even received an apology.

Before long, Diego left the family and only divorce papers remained as a memento that he had abandoned them all. A worse shock was received when they found out he had a secret gambling addiction that left him with a large debt that he also gave to them. As expected, Evelyn began to change, and not for the better. She became overbearing and rather than encouraging her children to find love, her logic had become twisted and she urged them to date people for money instead. With an older son who lacked a conscience in regards to familial affairs, she found that she could only rely upon her daughter, and upon realizing this, Aer found that it was increasingly hard to disobey her mother. Though she wanted to live for herself, even now, the very thought of turning away from her mother without feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt because her mother never failed to remind her that she was constantly working at low-paying jobs to support the family. She was giving up everything and maintaining a dead-end life because of her two children, and the least they could do was show gratefulness. It was logic that was hard to deny for a little girl with an impressionable mind.

The reality of this new life never really hit until Aeryn was forced to give up her beloved dance lessons because the family could no longer afford it. With no means of learning but still loving the activity, she began to linger outside studios to quietly observe lessons. It was embarrassing to do at first, but she gradually grew used to her beggar-like status and became comfortable with haunting studios. She would memorize the poses and moves she learned and then go home, spending her free time practicing until her movements resembled what she saw.

When she turned thirteen, her thus-far-missing grandparents took a step into her like and took a bit of pity on their disowned daughter by lending a sum of money to the small family on the condition that the money was spent on raising the children and Evelyn continued to work. Maybe they still hadn’t forgiven their daughter, but that certainly didn’t mean their grandchildren had to suffer. As a result, her lifestyle slowly improved so that she could live like a middle-class girl instead of in poverty. Also following the proposition was the requirement that she moved to Lockport, New York from her hometown in Spain where she would be closer to her cousin Meridiana in order to keep a bit of an eye on her, though the whole keeping an eye part went to waste as Aeryn refused to act as some sort of spy. The move was quick and simple, and it was in New York that she found that she was becoming a part of the party scene. She quickly fit in with the party kids. Her brother Javier tended to stay away from home until his presence altogether was hardly detectable, making him nothing but a lingering memory within Aeryn’s mind.

Upon moving to New York, Aeryn quickly became best friends with one girl, whose boyfriend introduced her to his cousin when the summer rolled along. At fourteen, she was impressionable, hopeful, and she experienced a summer love with a boy who left her musing that perhaps her life wasn’t so terrible after all. Despite knowing that things wouldn’t last, both pursued the romance, even going so far as to lose their virginities to each other. Then fall came, he left, and she was broken-hearted. Fairly bitter, seeing her friend’s happiness made her jealous, and she ultimately ruined the friendship when she readily made an advance on her friend’s boyfriend, sleeping with him and beginning a future habit that she would hate herself for. The experience showed her that perhaps her mother was right. What seemed like love was so delicate and easy to break, and friendships were easily destroyed. Misinterpreting her mother’s advice to pursue men who could give her a comfortable lifestyle for advice to whore herself out for money, Aeryn began to think that acting the part of a money-hungry hooker might not be so bad after all.

In spite of words of self-encouragement, she found that adapting to such a lowly reputation was more difficult than expected. It began with dressing in more revealing clothing and flirting shamelessly, but the actions still left her feeling disgusted, so she turned to the things for an escape from her reality. As a party girl, living life on the fast lane was pleasant because it kept her from thinking about how much self-resentment she had in her heart. She distanced herself from quite a few emotions because it felt like they would become an unwelcome hindrance, and she very nearly made herself a living puppet, but she was unable to fully complete the process because unexpectedly, her first love was thrown back into her life once again. There was a lingering attachment but an inability to truly feel love had settled in between the time that had passed since they last met, thus she settled with a friends-with-benefits relationship. The only upside to that period of her life was that she had been able to resume dance lessons, as well as take part in extracurricular activities such as gymnastics.

The tragedy called her life reached its climax when her mother discovered the sort of life she was living. After a screaming match, her mother blamed herself and her poor mothering skills over the outcome of the sort of lives her children had, and she decided to put an end to it all when she threw herself out the sixth story window of their small apartment, dying almost immediately upon impact with the ground. As if picking up on the guilt that her mother sought to abandon, Aeryn began blaming herself over the incidence and said that it was her fault for not hiding her secrets well enough and being a useless daughter, thus spiraling into a bit of a depression herself. Her grandparents unexpectedly came to her rescues and adopted her, though there was an undeniable sense of strangeness about virtually being an orphan, and not even her brother was available to sympathize and offer her a shoulder to cry on. His frequent nights spent away from home spanned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, and eventually, he had settled for moving in with a girl he met during her short stay in New York who moved back to California.

After a couple of months of what seemed like frozen time, her world began to turn again, and she slowly began to fall back into the flow of things. It felt like she would have another chance at a nice life. Things were finally going right because she could dance again, and she was a cheerleader at school in a committed relationship with a football player, also known as her childhood love. It was the idealistic sort of life that teenagers sought for, something that she never expected she’d get to enjoy. There was a nagging worry that he would leave her because he was popular with among girls, but he was with her, wasn’t he? Her life was finally on track, and the misery over her mother’s suicide was beginning to fade. She was going to work hard to make something of herself and get into Juilliard.

But like all good things in life, they period of tranquility came to an abrupt halt and took a turn for the worst. Her relationship began to fall apart over catty rumours and unwelcome drama, and a domino effect occurred, and she began to remember all the things from her past that made her think life was such a living hell. In retrospect, it was likely good timing because it was around the end of her junior year of high school that this dream of a pleasant life was coming to an end. By the end of her perfect life falling apart, she was free from the worry of school and resorted to endless moping at home for a good portion of summer break before falling back into her old habits, she turned back to wild parties, dancing, and sex as comfort and escape from the harsher aspects of her life. Noticing this regression, her grandparents decided that it would be a good idea for her to finally get her away from the city that left her with a lifetime of bad memories.

Packing their bags, they quickly sold off their home and made a quick and effortless move to Florida so that she could get a fresh start. She eagerly agreed, seeing as getting away from everything was exactly what she wanted. By the time August rolled around, she was fully prepared to enter a new high school as a senior, and while most people dread having to start anew, she looked forward to having a clean slate.

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hey should've tried harder admin! my name is pixie and i've been doing this stuff for five years. i also play no other characters. before i go, look at what i can do!

It was just for the briefest of seconds, but Hayes did feel grateful that Ashton had offered her a chance to enter the social scene called the lunchroom, as well as offering her some company so that she could pass time in a less lonely way. She had to turn away the chance though. Maybe it was just that she was too scared and nervous to try, or perhaps it was the fact that she’d feel terrible if she made him look bad in the eyes of his friends. He seemed too nice to have to risk being laughed at for bringing along someone as lame as her. He didn’t exactly state that he hung out with other people, seeing as he specified sitting with him, but nonetheless, she was positive that he didn’t spend lunchtime alone. He was too charismatic for that. He didn’t even seem like he needed to approach people first. They probably followed him around because he practically radiated charm. There was something about him that was compelling and alluring, and she was far from being an exception to its effects. Like what must’ve been dozens of other girls, she wanted to talk to him, to know more about him. However, unlike other girls, she didn’t plan on sticking around. She didn’t need to see it with her own two eyes to know that he was popular, and ironically, that was the exact reason why she was in such a hurry to put distance between them. Popularity meant that people surrounded him all the time. It also meant that she would be among those people, and she didn’t want that. Hayden didn’t exactly go around looking to be original and creative, but she wasn’t about to come out of her shell just to join a crowd. She was looking for friends, not someone good-looking to drool over.

While it was true that Ashton was the first prospect of a friend for her in God knows how long, she couldn’t just mindlessly throw herself into the opportunity. She hated being alone, but at the very least, solitude was better than having to deal with any consequences that might accompany trying to get to know a popular guy better. Ashton was probably especially popular among girls, but it was girls that Hayes feared more. They were the ones who got wild and feral when scorned or jealous, and as a result, they spread around dirty rumors and did petty things. Most guys stuck to physical things, like pushing or shoving. If middle school bullying had just been pushing and shoving, then Hayes would probably still be popular now. It would’ve been too easy to make herself out to be a victim that had to be pitied and loved in that circumstance. There was nothing she could do about rumors though. She was new and didn’t have dirt on anyone, so it wasn’t as if she could counter with a few rumors of her own, plus people hardly knew about her, so they simply took in whatever they heard. She couldn’t imagine going through all that again, and she was afraid of that it was all a friendship with Ashton would lead to. Girls wanted to be around him and with him, so she would just be seen as an obstacle standing in the way of that goal. It would be too easy for them to misinterpret friendship with wanting to be with him romantically.

Sure, Ashton was like the guy practically every girl wanted, but Hayes still didn’t want to date him. Friends, but definitely not a boyfriend. He wasn’t really her type, though it wasn’t as if she really had a type in the first place. All she knew was that dating was a distant thought. How could she be loved when people hardly even liked her? They tolerated her presence and it wasn’t as if they hated her, but she wasn’t liked either. Just tolerated.

All in all, shy girls like herself didn’t suit him, and there was also the problem that she was more of a loner. People probably thought that being a loner was a silent, desperate cry for someone to shower them with attention, and in a way, they were right. Paradoxically, being a loner was just another way of seeming cool by acting like no one else was interesting enough to pay attention to. People were drawn to loners because they were almost like an enigma, while they were attracted to social butterflies because they were friendly and lovable. The whole concept of being a popular loner probably applied to most cases, but Hayden was one of the people who said she wanted to stay out of the spotlight and meant it. A few good friends was enough to keep her satisfied, and that was the honest truth. She used to like being showered with attention, but that was just because people said positive things about her. She didn’t want anyone pointing out her flaws. It was enough to know that she was imperfect already, so why make it worse by poking fun at it?

Some people could flash a smile and then others were just hooked. They had confidence and knew how to play their cards right. They had so many redeeming qualities that a few shortcomings were okay. She didn’t think she had anything to make up for her numerous flaws though. She was just there. She wasn’t smart nor especially good at video games, like nerds. She wasn’t athletic and was far from being artistic. She didn’t have so much charisma that people practically drowned in it, and she was too tall and awkward to ever be pretty or even close to it. She wasn’t outgoing or adventurous, just plain and boring. Shyly glancing upwards, she saw Ashton and all at once, she remembered these things about herself. He seemed so perfect that being around him felt like her lack of interesting traits was magnified hundreds of times more in the eyes of people passing by. Worried, she looked around, wondering if anyone noticed how she was in comparison to him, but no one even spared her a glance. All they saw was Ashton, and in that moment, she knew that it wasn’t a matter of being less likable. She was invisible. Hayden didn’t know whether she should’ve rejoiced at successfully fading into the background or cried over being so nonexistent. She really was just another wallflower. Maybe sitting with him for lunch wouldn’t be so bad then. She wouldn’t get critical stares. People would just look past her.

With a tiny smile, Hayes quietly replied, “I’m Hayden, though you can just call me Hayes.” She stepped closer to Ashton and glanced at the doors, pausing before she continued, “A-are you sure it’s okay? You don’t have to let me sit with you or anything. I know I’m a loser, so you don’t have to be nice. I’m used to spending lunch in the library or something anyway.” Her tone was still hushed and quieted, and she was still rambling a bit, but the words were a bit less jumbled. She didn’t feel as terrified of Ashton now, though he never really seemed threatening in the first place, and she was still trying to shrink inside herself despite being sure that people didn’t notice wallflowers, but she supposed that it was good enough progress that she really might be entering the lunchroom.