Ruthie's Online Journal

[Ruth Andrea Zadora]

I have no intention of making this public, ever, but I need to get it off my chest somehow. This is the only place that Gage won't find... Well, whatever this is. A confession, I guess. You see, I can't tell anyone. Anyone that ever found out would immediately go to Gage and tell him. I don't know if Velocity's full of snitches, or if they're all scared of him for some reason, but either way, it would get back to him, and that is almost LITERALLY the last thing I want to happen. I mean, can you imagine what he'd do to me if he found out I'd even spoken to a guy?! I mean, I know he thinks he's the perfect man, the perfect boyfriend, but that doesn't mean that he's not insecure from time to time. No, it's definitely safer that he doesn't know. After all, it's not like anything really happened anyway.... Maybe I should start from the beginning...

Yesterday, I went to the store to get Gage some snacks for band practise and whatever because I'd forgotten and he was going to punish me, and it ended up that my car broke down about ten minutes drive away from home. Typical, right? I have ice cream in the trunk, and to add to that, I have no cell phone, and very little idea of what actually goes on under a car hood. So I try to fix it with whatever tools I found in the car, right? And I can't even get the cap off what I assume is the radiator, because that's where all the smoke's coming from. About five minutes later I've given up, just sitting on the floor thinking “What the fuck do I do now?” and properly beating myself up about it (because Gage was going to go ballistic). And then, a knight in shining armour. The shining armour, of course, being in the form of a car. A car that looks a damn sight better than my old rust bucket.

Instead of doing the normal male thing – berating me for not getting the car checked out sooner, calling me a stupid bitch, and worthless, and whatever else springs to mind, he just asks if I need help. The mind boggles, right? Obviously, I'm just thinking of getting home. Because of the ice cream, right? So I nod my head (I'm not allowed to talk to other men, really, if I can avoid it) and then, if you please, he just takes his own tools out of his car (Gage wouldn't have taken his out even if his car was on fire) and has a look at the car. He barely says a word, and weirdest of all, he doesn't even look angry. By this time, I'm just standing at the side of the road, confused as all hell and not really knowing what to do. And he starts talking to me. Like a human being. And looking at me like he actually expected me to answer. So, obviously, I had to. I mean, he looked so cute confused at my silence, and I can't let on that anything's out of the ordinary at home. Not that it is. I mean, how do I know what's ordinary?

Then something really strange happened.... I actually forgot what Gage had taught me – that I should always wait for a question to be asked before I spoke – and I started volunteering topics of conversation myself! I'd almost forgotten how it was to just talk to someone properly. Not that it's Gage's fault. I just don't have that many close friends any more. They all moved on. A couple of times, I had to stop myself from saying something stupid, but I suppose some lessons just stick with you, right?

And you know, even when he fixed my car (at least, enough for it to get home), he didn't seem to want anything for it. Normally, in my experience, people want rewarding for doing something for you. Not that most rewards are suitable for strangers. But I was at least going to offer him some money or something.

So I got home about three hours ago, and I've nearly landed myself in it about seven times, and that's just the times when he's asked me questions. Gage doesn't really speak to me on band nights. But that's OK, I get that. He's working, creating. I wouldn't want people interrupting me either. Even if it does sound suspiciously like they're watching football in there. What he does is up to him. I'm just to stay here in the bedroom until he's ready to be with me again. Which could take a while, according to him. That's OK though. I understand that I made him angry and he needs to calm down. Not that it usually makes a difference in bed, though. He's still pretty aggressive.

The worst thing about what happened today is that I keep replaying what happened in my head, and sometimes I miss when Gage speaks to me. He doesn't like when that happens. That's why I'm not really allowed to read unless he's doing something else. He says I can't be a proper woman because I can't multitask very well. He's probably right. But something tells me that Sammy wouldn't say something like that. At least, not seriously. That's his name. Sammy. Samuel Radke.

Gage does a lot of things that I can't ever see Sammy doing. But I could be wrong. I probably am. For a woman, I'm wrong a surprising amount of time. Gage punishes tells me when I'm wrong, and I'm grateful for that. It's good to know when I'm wrong, because then I can change.

I keep thinking about Sammy. Is that bad? It is bad, isn't it? I should stop. But how? And is it weird that I'm looking forward to seeing him again. I mean, if I ever do. I'm kind of planning our next meeting. After all, he told me he's a mechanic, and my car certainly needs looking at. But I don't think Gage would approve.... Which means I can only go when he's busy... But isn't that like cheating?

Can I do that? Should I do that? Please help me.....

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privacy setting: private - (friends only)
word count: 1051
mood: confused, scared
music: the prayer (celine dion, andrea bocelli)
notes:
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