Post by thomas adrian fly on Dec 26, 2012 0:24:21 GMT -5
life's railway to heaven
thomasadrianfly
EVERYONECANSEE THATMYHEART'SBEATINGFASTER NOW THATIT'SEVERBEEN
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thomasadrianfly
EVERYONECANSEE THATMYHEART'SBEATINGFASTER NOW THATIT'SEVERBEEN
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My mom says it might be a good thing to get a journal thing but since I don't like to write on paper, I just started a stupid blog thing. She says this will make me feel better or something. I prefer Halo and Call of Duty even though my boyfriend and my friends say it's unhealthy. I never saw the appeal of them before but now I love both of those games. I can pretend I'm hurting the bastards that hurt me. That broke my boyfriend. I can see the pain in his eyes, even if he tries to hide it. I know that he can't handle the whole kidnapping drama anymore than I can. He's hurting for different reasons but we're both hurting and neither of us can go without each other. Everybody thought we were attached at the hip before the kidnapping, now they've realized what it's really like. I don't think I've left his sight in weeks... Other than when I hung out with Dean and then Mikey came and invaded my house. I'm scared without Jackson. Jackson makes me safe. He made me safe before the whole drama with me getting the shit beat out of me and being taken away from everything I knew for a few days, but now he's really my way of feeling safe.
Life has... changed so much. And not in a good fucking way. Those motherfuckers have changed me in ways I never wanted to change. I don't talk to new people. I don't leave my bedroom unless I absolutely have to. Nightmares plague me every night and did I mention the fun panic attacks? No? Only Jax, my baby and my life, can fix those. Only he can make those go away. Just the sound of his voice can calm me. Everybody else has tried. Even Nate can't fix it. Those fucking bastards that took me away from everything I knew... They starved me, beat me, had me raped, and kept me in a really dark room so my eyes got messed up for a while. The emotional damage is worse than the physical damage though. The nightmares are the worst. Living in fear is horrible. I can't trust new people. I see the bad in everybody instead of the good now. I just don't understand. I miss old me and I don't know how to get that person back. I used to love everybody and now I can't stand people. The little kids across the street anger me. I can't stand it. I can't stand people except for Heaven's Seven and my parents. I can barely stand my parents.
Ahhh. My parents. I love them and they love me. I love them to bits but they keep trying to drag me out of the house. They keep trying to get me to drive my car. Yeah, hell no. They're worried I'm wasting away in my bedroom but since I've got Jackson to keep me company, that's not happening. He makes me eat. He makes me put Halo and Call of Duty away. He makes me happy basically. My baby is keeping me out of the hell hole I keep trying to crawl into. I haven't told him the whole shebang about everything that went on in that place. I haven't told him that I got raped more than once. I haven't told him that they threatened my life. I haven't told them that they threatened to kidnap me again when they ran out of money. I didn't tell him the part where the held a gun to my head and made me say that I hated everybody I knew back home... They promised to kill people unless I said it. I didn't tell anybody that I have a nice little brand on my shoulder. It's just an "xxx" on my shoulder, nice and small, but they told me it was to "claim me".
That's not all of it but I can't stand to type more about what happened there. It was just a few days but it felt like years. I thought I was never going to get out of there and when I felt Jackson wrap his arms around me, I was safe. I wasn't going to ever see them again because Jackson was protecting me. His warmth... Is the reason I keep going every day. Sometimes I just wanna off myself. I don't dare. I have too many people that love me but my insecurities, nightmares, and things I've been keeping from my boyfriend are exhausting. I'm just so tired all the time. Most the time I sleep, until the nightmares come back... Which causes a panic attack. I just hope Jackson never reads this... Even though it's public. He'll probably find it. I'm sure he will. I'm keeping a lot of shit from him but only because I don't want to see anymore agony in him. I already see so much when he's looking at me, when he doesn't realize it, that I just... Can't handle throwing more at him. Nobody else needs more either but I needed to let it out, somehow, even if it's publicly. This doesn't feel real public though. I won't know who's reading and who's not.
Hopefully this helps like my mother says it will. I'm going to return to Halo now until Jackson gets here and just holds me. I really need him to hold me now.
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